safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.