Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
You Might Also Like
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans