[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
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The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
My background check bounced.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo