Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
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There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.