Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
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“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
You had me at “define legal”.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Blew out my flip flop…
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.