Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
You Might Also Like
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
*limbos away from your hug*
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*