Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
found this cool rock hiking today
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
me hitting on a model
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?