The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
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My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.