wtf management?!
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall