I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
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triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Goodnight 🐶
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.