me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
monday
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Breaking news:
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
That’s classic.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game