Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*