*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.