My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
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whatcha thinkin bout
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
2022 will be better than 2021
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”