Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.