My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
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I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
never compromise your values
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.