I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
You Might Also Like
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Life is a suicide mission.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
yeah not falling for this one
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.