friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
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Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.