[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Fight
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go