I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
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God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Saturday
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.