My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
That’s classic.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
just gave your address to some spiders
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that