Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
You Might Also Like
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.