Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
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A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I saw this ending much differently.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
yes yes a thousand times yes!
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.