The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?