*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Pat is about to own someone
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”