OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
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People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?