My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Van Gone
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Many hands make light work
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]