I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
You Might Also Like
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.