{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
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If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Risking my life for fun.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Life hack
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that