1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
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[date]
HER: ok let鈥檚 both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Listen. You call me a cunt and I鈥檒l call you an ambulance.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon鈥檚 food up into itty bitty pieces, like that鈥檚 how he finds it in the wild.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 饾槍饾槤饾槍饾槞饾槧饾槢饾槒饾槓饾槙饾槑 all up
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I wish kid鈥檚 socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: 鈥hat
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I asked my brothers why they鈥檙e getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum馃槕
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
wife: i鈥檓 going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these