My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
*puts words between two asterisks*
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.