My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough