[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
this isn’t threatening at all
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.