I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”