Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Made something I’m not proud of
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.