*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
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I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*