a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now