These aren’t even hard anymore.
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My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I never needed anything more in my life
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance