[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
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Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
A short story about romance.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school