BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
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[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.