Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
buys donuts instead
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
definitely did not do anything wrong
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.