Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
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I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
*serious situation*
My brain:
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”