We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
stand with me against insufficient seating
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
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A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.