1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
You Might Also Like
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.