Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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thankfully, most bananas are boneless
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??