[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”