4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t