I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
💯😂
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
my dad has had enough
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
When they try to steal your moment.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Me in tagged photos