Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
You Might Also Like
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Ghost costume 😂
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My love language is hissing.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???