911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?